I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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