My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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