we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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