Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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