Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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