Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
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