Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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