the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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