after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
