can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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