my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
