if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
