Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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