I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Randomize
