Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
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