I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
