Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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