i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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