"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
