so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
