I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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