So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
