I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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