When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
