I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
