Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
