I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
