I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
