tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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