Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
