Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
