you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
