I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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