Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
