Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
