Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
