The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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