it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize