It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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