what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
