god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize