well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Randomize