the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just saw a hot homeless man
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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