I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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