Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
