If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
