When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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