i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
