I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
