his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
