Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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