Porn is love you can see.
Apparently you make a good broom.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
