My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
