its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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