Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
