Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
