i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
